Structural Integrity

The phrase "structural integrity" became particularly important this summer and leading into this academic year. It was the reason why I had to move, again. It was the reason why my job expectations were changing, significantly. Our building renovation schedule could not be met due to structural integrity issues within my building.

And much like an out dated and overused building, the structural integrity of my life has been brought into question. Fissures. Cracks. What was once whole, now moving apart. Shifting.

For a while now, I had been focused on these very specific things much like the leaky bathroom that always drips into the stairwell or the carpet in desperate need of replacing. Points of dispute; evidence for the case of renovation or demolition.

Inspectors and architects examining blue prints, take measurements, drill core samples, and debate the numbers only to come back at a later date to gather more data. Most all of these things happened during the summer for ease of access.

Things change when students arrive. This old remnant of a time long lost upon this generation, now has a purpose again. It stands it's ground. It holds us in, keeps us safe and chronicles the happiness of youth and the profoundness of growing up. It lives.

And so do I. For a little too long I've been focused on the imperfections that come with time and aging. I was focused on what the architects and inspectors had to say, but forgetting what makes this skeletal structure whole and it gives it integrity. Unbroken.

Yes, I will take my 5, 10, 15, 20 plus years of age. And sure, there are faults that some are quick to point out and dwell upon. And yet, I still stand. I've endured more and will continue to do so with help along the way.


(no subject)

and so life continues....

i'm not sure you'll ever read this or if you even know about it. i think you do, but i'm not sure you know where...maybe i should show you....maybe not...but i think i'm writing to you tonight.

i did have a nice time tonight. it was great to just spend time with you, be with you, and hold you. i'm not exactly sure where you are or where you are coming from, but i don't think i'll pressure you by asking. maybe it's starting to sink in a bit. this week is here, and it will end and you will go away for awhile, and things will start to become different. i'm glad you did share with me what you knew and i'm glad that it's starting to set in....that we really aren't together. i'm not glad because i want you do have heavy or sad moments...i'm glad because it needs to set in, it needs to become more real, it needs to have that little paper cut sting of truth.

i'm making some assumptions based on what i observed, but i think it was a bit stingy for you tonight. you were so close. you wanted to be. you would lean in on me and hug me, hold me and be so perfectly still, breath into my neck, and just take me in. somewhere in between missing me already and being scared that some day you really will...and that i will be gone.

but what you said is true, you will never lose me. i'll always be here, just for you...but you are starting to wonder how and in what context. will i ever be there in the same way again? there's plenty of stuff to figure out as time goes by. and i wouldn't be surprised if you're a little scared by all of this. just so you know, it's okay. it's ok to be scared or uncertain. and it will all be okay in the end. things will be worked out and natural paths will be made. time will continue on.

i've been thinking so much and i've thought about starting a million different conversations with you. i've been doing my homework, asking myself hard questions. i've been doing that the past week, week and half. i've even come to some decisions, ones i'm afraid to articulate, but need to be said (or written).

april asked me what a successful relationship would be like for me...what would i need...what must i have. the thing that came to mind is someone that i don't have to sacrifice any of my identity for...that i can be me completely and honestly. this has led me to some conclusions about me and you.

1). I will not consider being with you until you are finished here. It's something simple, but necessary. I will not ever be in a relationship that I must hide. There's a difference between choosing to and having to...I hope to do neither again, because it's not true to who i am.

2). There's a part of me that can't seem to exist with you right now. It's the part of me that's still waiting on a reply to that email. I'm not upset by this, or even hurt. You can't help it. You just aren't there. When the beginning of the end set in, I thought we were going to work through this together...work through the what if's as a team, as two people who love each other, but are sensible enough to question and be realistic. I went full-on. I've been writing, evaluating, questioning. I've tried to do the same with you. You aren't there. You won't go...you can't? This is something I need. I need someone who can respond. I don't need someone to have answers, but I need someone that can let me know what they are thinking...truly thinking...i need someone that can question themselves to the core and articulate that experience with me...it doesn't have to be perfect.......how could it be? but something needs to be there. i'm not sure if this is making any sense or not, but I can tell you that it took a few years for me to be able to do this myself...to take on issues of me with the same tenacity as any other challenge. i must say this is a somewhat new revelation for myself, so i'm not sure that i've said it well...but i've said it with truth. i'd love to be the catalyst, but i'm not sure you'd let me....or if i even should be. i guess in a nutshell, when you're ready to email me back, i'll read it.

today was a good day. things are getting easier, though they are still things to be dealt with...but this just a sign of that there's truly something between us...something that's worth not abusing.

i love you.

(no subject)

so this life thing is getting difficult. about two months ago i ended a relationship that i felt certain would have lasted longer than the just under three year mark. despite the advice of a good friend, i didn't stay single. while i wouldn't say that i launched into a relationship, i kinda found myself back in one. one that shouldn't have started. one that i wasn't ready for and one that she isn't ready for. and so now it's over (technically) and here i am, back at two months ago, sitting alone with myself.

this is perhaps the hardest thing i've ever had to deal with in my life and it seems so trite, so simple, and not all that bad compared to what could be going wrong in one's life. but for me, it's hell. i haven't really been alone in almost ten years and i'm not sure i've ever been this lonely. it's been going on for about two weeks now and while the past few days have been somewhat better, the clinician in me is very aware of the symptoms, the timeline, the feelings: i'm depressed. i don't have the blues. i'm depressed.

this idea doesn't sit all that well with me and i'm kinda at a loss on what to do with myself, mainly because i don't have quite enough distractions right now. there are a lot of good things in place that are happening: i'll be moving physical environments (new building) and this summer will mark new roles and responsibilities for me vocationally--all good things. a week from friday i get to leave for perhaps the best trip of my life with the best people in my life and we'll get to experience things together so very unique. i'm so glad for that trip. so glad for the distance to come from here, from her, from me, from this place. but i'll get back, and i'll still have to deal with myself until more work comes my way.

since i didn't listen to that good friend last time, i figured i better call her up, confess, and get her thoughts. i love talking to april. she's so blatantly honest. sometimes people can't handle her honesty, because it gets to the heart, but it's an amazing gift. she gave me a few things to think about: 1)what truly makes me happy? not just surface happy, but emotionally happy; 2)do i define myself by who i am with? 3)do i know myself well enough to know what i can offer and do i love myself enough to be confident in what i can offer without it being with someone; and perhaps, one of the most striking things 4) why do i let myself fail at relationships?

all of these are amazing points/questions, which i need to examine further, but the last one struck a chord. april asked me if i had ever really failed at anything? there really isn't much. sure, i've done less than i'd like, but there are very few things i've failed at if any. i don't fail. i have fairly high standards of achievement. it's just not an option. she noted that the only thing i ever let myself fail at is relationships and she went through the history:

1st girlfriend: wasn't even completely out and had to hide it. not to mention she was crazy and too young for me. plus, FIRST file under DOOMED.

2nd girlfriend: long distance, several years older, ended up breaking if off with me before we got back together file under DOOMED.

3rd girlfriend: april didn't really know that well, but i can fill it in: i broke up with my 2nd girlfriend for her, we were already having sex, and i had to hide the relationship for a while, several years younger than me, no break. file under DOOMED

4th girlfriend: i'm actually kinda glad this didn't last very long, because i think it means there is still hope for us. i mean, we saw ourselves making some tragic mistakes. i don't want to do that to her and she doesn't want to do that to me, but if we had continued here's why it would have been doomed: way younger, she JUST came out, have to hide the relationship, no break after 3rd girlfriend, etc.

both of us still really love each other but are recognizing we shouldn't be together right now. will we in the future? i kinda think so, but nothing is for certain.

the point: i seem to put myself into DOOMED situations. i'm glad i got a reality check on this last one in enough time, at least i hope it was enough time.

so, i have some things to suss out and i'm scared, and i'm not sure just where to start. but i guess it starts here.

almost exactly, one year later

Wow! I sure do know how to keep a journal. I've actually been "journaling" a lot lately, but not here.

I'm excited for the end. I'm glad things for me and Mortimer are almost completely over. I'm excited to be moving to a new building and a new position.

I'm not so excited about other things in my life. Things that are still confusing and at times hurtful. I guess time will tell.

The point is after many years of putting it off, it looks like I'm actually going to deal with things. I'm not sure I'm particularly excited about this, but it looks to be that way.

Guess time will tell.

(no subject)

so i haven't written....in well... months. but that's kinda the norm for me.

surprisingly, i'm finding just a few moments of silence and peace though this is move out weekend and graduation will be starting in just an hour or so.

i'm not sure that there are any major points of reflection worth noting, i'm just glad things are coming to a close. my residents are leaving (yay!), my RAs are getting anxious---and quite honestly, i'll miss them (the RAs, not the residents). but all in all, it's been a really good year and i've remotely enjoyed myself once or twice.

and now i have the summer of big changes and excitment ahead. i get to see ro graduate (yay!), i'll be having surgery (yay and eek!), and i'll begin the journey of essentially, completely rebuilding myself--who i am and how i exist. and honestly, those are activities i've always enjoyed with other people and/or organizations. i'm great at doing that for the "other." but i've never really done it for myself....and here's the perfect moment.

to take from last night and all thereafter

"you are blessed and lucky. it's true that you are touched by something that will grown and bloom in you."

(no subject)

today the frustrations were far too great and most painful. the dissatisfaction with a mediocre job is manageable. the secrecy, the culture of suspension, the lack of a true supervisor---makes it quite unbearable. my wonderful staff and vibrant students fade to a slate colored backdrop. sometimes, all the admiration, the laughs, the smiles, the shared tears....get suffocated in the confusion.

today was not a good day accented with misunderstood moments, crying fits, and one moment of greatness in which i represented this department and did it a much greater service than it's ever done for me.

i find it hard to muster the will to stay with it one more year.......just one more year....for convenience and for the sake of it all....one more year. my patience is beginning to wear thin.

to help combat a hysterical fit of anger and rage, i turned to the letter i'm to base my sermon upon for this sunday. that's right, i'm preaching this sunday. i don't know how the fuck this happened.

nonetheless, turning to MLK's letter from the Birmingham jail helped. fifty-six paragraphs read aloud causes one to slow down, to speak more clearly through phelgmy gasps of despair, and to focus intently on each small but mammoth word. have i ever written fifty-six paragraphs in one setting, by hand, in a conditions even close to a jail cell in the deep south?

so tonight i close not knowing exactly how to feel, not knowing exactly what to do, who i am, or where i am going. but i know where i'm not at and i'm not sure even fifty more paragraphs could ever put me there.

(no subject)

so loretta was good but the weekend was not in many ways.

good things: shopping, niagara falls, gambling, canadian money (they have a breast cancer quarter!), and of course miss loretta

bad things: major mental health issue with a resident that pretty much took up the rest of my weekend causing me to stay up late last night and get up very early this morning. i've had about 4hrs of sleep and i can't hack it like i used to.

extra good things: jes is wonderful and i can't think of anyone better to spend an hour talking to when i really don't have an hour to spare.

anyhoo, loretta's show was a little over an hour. she didn't perform the whole time. her twin daughters, "the lynns," and her granddaughter, tayla, performed along with her back-up singers. however, the best part was when she was doing a gospel medley and started doing "how great thou art" acapella. she had to sit in a chair for most of the concert but it was amazing to think of how long and hard she's worked and pushed her body to the max and she can still get out there and sing. just amazing.

off to more work! hope i get some sleep tonight!

and we're back

after a long hiatus, we're back with useless information and random crap. where to begin?

this summer---went to texas, went to oklahoma, added amtrak to my evil empire list, completely revamped the RA class including new books, new manual, and new rubrics. additionally, participated in the rochester pride festivities and found my picture in every remotely "gay" publication here. new catch phrase: "good pride"

now, after enduring a hellish first year here, i know have the staff of my dreams and the motivation to work with them. sign it will be a good year: doing an "air duet" (me-drums, phil-guitar) to "living on a prayer," center table in the middle of the "thank god it's the end of training" banquet.

but seriously, life is good and things are starting off great. jes is most definitely the love of my life and i'm looking forward to voting elliott spitzer as the next governor of new york.

additional bonus: my mom is going to come up sometime during the christmas holiday season and we're spending christmas up here together---and undoubtedly, it'll be white.

my break to see ro and eddie was perfect. i'm looking forward to my next break: seeing Loretta Lynn at Niagra Falls. My life is pretty damn good.

nudgery

apparently i have been "nudged." and though the would "nudge" is slightly alarming, i will update.

i beginning to become very frustrated with my job. there are some things you just can't figure out about a place until you get there and your in the mix of it. unfortunately, all of these particular things causing my displeasure did not rear their ugly heads until after i signed my contract for next year. i wouldn't necessarily want to leave after a year either. leaving my last school was a long and stressful process. plus, jes seems to really enjoy her classes here. but right now, i'm stuck in a position that i'm over-qualified for and gives me less responsibility than my assistantship. this is stressing me to say the least. at this point, i'm just ready for this academic year to be over and to start all over again, beginning with the end in mind. (holy shit, i can't believe i just made a pun on one of the seven habits of highly effective people. i'm soo sorry.)

personally, life is pretty good. since my job expectations are low, i have all kinds of time to do things for me. jes and i have been eating better and excerising on a regular basis. as result i've lost thirteen pounds already. not too bad for a start. plenty more to go. so things are good---we're dirt poor, but making it. speaking of poor, i believe i receive my not quite adequate pay check today. woo, for all of my bill collectors.

but seriously, this place is getting on my nerves. the main highpoint right now is that they're paying for me to attend a national conference. i'm literally aching to go--to be at a place that will at least attempt to give me some sort of professional development and guidance. plus, many mentors and friends will be there, hopefully refreshing me. it'll be a nice break.

lastly, i'm going to make a movie plug for "transamerica." felicity hoffman is spectacular in this film. the film handles the subject so well and all in all, its a great story. so please, visit your local artsy fartsy film house and see this flick. you'll just feel good. it was totally worth the $5 i paid.